I expect some visitors to my site to be a little wary about CBT & therapy. Let’s be honest – you’ve visited this site because you want to make changes and you see real value from investing in yourself, and you feel really motivated to get on with it.

But… there is probably a nagging thought along the lines of what if it doesn’t work, and how that seeing a therapist could be an expensive mistake that will make you feel a bit silly.

I have many clients who come to see me who have seen a therapist before, with no success. I really empathise with people in that situation, and rather than deny that people sometimes don’t get a result, I will explain reasons why 90% of the time this happens, and how I address these issues.

This article is not to bad mouth individuals and other therapists, (there are some extremely good ones in Sussex) rather to explain what tends to go wrong and how I work to avoid this and what I think you need to be aware of, whoever you choose to see.

1. The Outcome Disregards Experience

This is the biggest stumbling block for my clients. I think the trend of “change everything overnight” thinking by therapists has come from the field of coaching and motivational speaking.

For example, let’s say I have a client who wants to become more confident and social around new people.

Now a traditional approach is to use therapy to let the client imagine feeling calm and confident around others and feel at ease – to remember and draw on calm and peaceful times and to remember themselves when they had previous experiences of being social and how they wish to be in future.

This might work for a few weeks, but there is something crucial missing from that – gaining experience. The outcome is based on a brief past experience and imagination, and no solid foundations. This isn’t really going to hold up if they go into a social situation and make a social blooper and feel bad about it afterwards. In this situation the change can unravel very fast after a big test.

A great deal of clients I work with who have social anxiety problems aren’t used to conversing and mixing around people outside of work, family and close friends.
Often they have felt uncomfortable and even avoided meeting new people so it will take experience to build up their social skills and work their way to greater social confidence and a larger social circle.

A more realistic approach could be to work on the fear that has been stopping them from taking the first steps and trying new things, and showing them how uncomfortable their present comfort zone really is.

This can pave the way to the client finding comfort when experiencing new social situations, expanding their comfort zone, building momentum and moving towards their bigger goals.

By working in smaller steps rather than taking a giant leap, then by it’s nature the work we do will be provable and self reinforcing. Remember – the first steps are important and they will get you to your goal. If you don’t learn to walk, you’ll never travel far.

2. Working Too Fast

Early in my training I noticed the “industry standard” of how therapy sessions should be run tended to be three sessions over three consecutive weeks before reaching a “guaranteed outcome”. We were told that CBT & brief therapy was supposed to be quick and this is what clients expected…

This then, and now seems absolutely nuts. Above all else clients expect a solution to their problem or steps taken towards resolving it and the underlying issues, not to fit conveniently to the therapists schedule. Could you imagine a surgeon or other health care professional behaving in such a manner?!

Working with a client effectively is not about dropping them into a new outcome, because as I mention above in point 1, that is going to deprive them of valuable experience they really need. You need a bit of time for your comfort zone to shift and for the changes to become your new, familiar reality.

This is why you may have heard people try therapy, say the changes worked well for two or three weeks and then it unravelled. They probably needed a session or two more over an extended period of time (i.e a month or two) in order to really cement the changes and ensure they stick.

Any therapy work should be about a therapist assisting their client and leading them into a new reality and new outcomes, and by doing this, giving the you the client something really valuable. It also means it might take a little time and I think most of you reading this would rather I work with you for as long as it takes, rather than abandon you and cut you loose too soon.

3. The Problem Not Being A CBT Or Brief Therapy Issue To Begin With

CBT can help deal with many personal problems, and when used effectively can produce profound changes. But for all it’s uses, sometimes it’s the wrong tool for the job.

In therapy there are two main ways of working with a client:
1. To offer help & support
2. To facilitate change

CBT practitioners & brief therapists fit in to point 2 – to facilitate clients and help them make changes. This is to change established behaviours, habits and thoughts which have been, and continue to be  obstructive and problematic. For example anxiety disorders, jealousy issues, addictions and guilt.

Help and support issues, point 1, are dealt with by counsellors and psychotherapists. These are issues which are at crisis point and developing in the here and now. For example a recent bereavement, the days after a accident or recent personal trauma.

Before working as a CBT practitioner I trained and worked as a psychotherapist, helping and supporting young people and to this day I still see clients who I work with from a help and support perspective, and if required, move to change work when the client is ready.

Sometimes people do visit CBT practitioners and brief therapists when they need help and support, not change. I can’t comment on why they aren’t referred on, but sometimes the therapist continues when it’s not appropriate.

This is damaging for the client as they go through the ordeal of seeking help (and I know it takes huge courage for some to pick up the phone or send the e-mail and get in touch) and then make no progress, feel no better and often end up very embarrassed.

Even worse, they often feel that they are beyond help and stuck with their problem which makes seeking further help harder, if not impossible.

A good therapist will be able to tell within minutes of the first session beginning whether they are in the right place.
My personal way of dealing with this situation is to tell the client ASAP if I notice this is not an issue that CBT can help, and that I’m willing to work with them from a help and support perspective, or refer them to other people who can also help. I would never consider charging for my time if this were to happen and they wished to go elsewhere.

And it does work both ways – many people have gone to see a counsellor or psychotherapist and not gotten a result because their problem actually requires change, not help and support.

You don’t tend to hear about it as much as fewer people talk about going to see a counsellor or psychotherapist than seeing a CBT practitioner, but it does happen. Examples of this mix up can include anxiety problems, eating disorders and low self-esteem / issues around self-confidence and OCD.

So as 2017 draws to a close, is there an aspect of your life you wish to change?

Do you feel stuck and tired of trying to cope on your own?

It’s never too late to get started. I understand that when you are struggling more than anything you want to feel better. I can help you.

Why not contact me today and find out how I can help you? I offer Skype sessions for those based outside of the UK.

Worried about cost? I offer both pay as you go and fixed fee Ongoing Support payment options which is more affordable that you may think.

Why not browse my site, find out a little more about me, read my client testimonials and get in touch today.

Regards,
Stephen

For many of us, controlling how much we eat presents numerous challenges which are difficult to overcome. So why is it a challenge for many of us to lose weight, and what caused us to become overweight in the first place?

Confidence is great. It makes us feel relaxed and in the zone. We can feel unstoppable, things seem easy and we feel a great sense of control.

Many people want more and I don’t blame them. However, confidence can be a bit hit and miss. It varies from person to person, place to place and situation to situation.

A lack of confidence and an abundance of frustration can lead one to feel quite down and deflated. So, how do we change this. How can CBT help improve self-confidence and put you back in control?
I would define confidence as one of many states of mind we can experience, the same as happiness, sadness, excitement, confusion and curiosity.

Many celebrities and life coaches quite forcefully point out that confidence issues are easy to fix, and it can be built from imagination exercises and motivational affirmations. The lady on BBC Breakfast last week was a typical example – simply focus on feeling better and doing things that motivate you and it will all come together eventually.

I can see where they are coming from but it seems too simplistic and misses the point somewhat. I’m sure it sells their CDs, books and DVDs but I do wonder how often they work with real people with real problems.

From working with people from all walks of life who wish to improve their levels of confidence and self-esteem, improving confidence can’t be solved by imagination and motivation alone.

Those who have difficulties raising and maintaining their levels of self-confidence are experiencing another problem. Confidence has an evil twin which needs to be dealt with – fear.

Fear is one of those necessary emotions which really can be a nuisance. It’s a very primal and hard-wired state of mind, which is there to protect us at all costs and keep us safe and out of trouble.

Fear can be useful – for many people who are regular public speakers a small amount of fear is essential. Many performers and comedians would not be as good as they are without it.
Fear is what gives them the buzz and adrenaline rush to get on stage or in front of the camera and spur them on to perform.

And what would be the point of an extreme sport or even a roller coaster without a slight element of fear – it’s the whole point!

Usually we have healthy respect for our fears, and they keep us safe and out of danger. But sometimes fear doesn’t work for us, rather than helping us, it hinders. Nothing can paralyse us and hold us back like fear.

So, I would ask you to consider that confidence is a fluid state of mind, specifically where there is a near complete lack of fear and anxiety within a given context or situation.

To build up confidence, we need to not only work on building motivation and the positive aspects of feeling good, but also work to conquer the fears and anxieties and what makes us feel bad.

CBT has several proven ways of dealing with our fears. Not only to get a rational insight and understanding of why we fear a given situation, but the methods of changing those fears so they evolve into understanding and more useful states of mind.

Fear is a very intense and powerful state of mind, if you can take that intensity and channel it to a more useful state of mind such as curiosity or even excitement, then feeling confident is easily achievable.

As always I welcome questions and feedback. Feel free to contact me to make an enquiry or book an appointment.

Valentines day has just passed and recently I’ve been working with a number of clients who wish to feel more confident and improve their future chances of dating success.

CBT is a great way to overcome fears associated with meeting new people and being comfortable in large groups and new environments. It is also useful for those who struggle with over thinking and over analysing, which can cause them to seem a bit distant and not engage fully with the people they are with in the “here and now”.

I’m going to share my thoughts on a three areas that are often overlooked and present problems for those struggling to establish and maintain relationships.

1. Identity

Here is the biggest mistake I see with those struggling with dating  – trying to be appealing to everyone. By doing this, you generally become noticed by no one and end up frustrated.

This may seem a bit harsh, but let me explain. Firstly I have a bit of bad news.

Who ever you are, you will not be every ones cup of tea, I can guarantee this. You can’t make everyone happy, no matter hard you try. Some people can’t keep you happy either.

People tend to have “types” of person they are attracted to and able to build connections with. The good news is you are someones type right now, and someone is hoping to find someone like you. You may well be overlooking them..

Studies have found that in the UK around 15% of those also seeking a partner are likely to be compatible with you and best able build connections and relationships with.

This means not only do you need to think hard and learn about who you are looking for, but also get feedback from friends and family about who is likely to be looking for you.
Those who have the greatest dating success and settle down are the ones who really know how to appeal to and find the 15% they are compatible with. This comes down to hobbies, interests, style, personality types and social environments.

Sit down, have a think as clearly as possible who you would like to meet, and also consider what would you like to be doing with them. What would be a great weekday evening out for you, and how would you like to spend a Sunday with them?

But it doesn’t stop there. The 85% who would not be right for you can also help – these people are potential allies too. Potential friends which can not only offer great friendship, but also offer networking opportunities and introduce you to even more people who are in that 15% that are looking for someone like you.

So to repeat, if you are a single person, although 85% of people who are available will probably not be compatible, they are potential allies and the remaining 15% will be the type who could really be into you. Learn who these people are.

2. Body Language

Learning about your body language and it’s influence around others will really help you. Within 15 seconds of meeting someone new, the way you move and behave in your environment will have a profound influence on how they will treat you.

This is a very primal function which is hard-wired into us all from a young age, and the purpose is to help us identify if others are a friend or foe.
During the first 15 seconds of meeting someone new our mind is busy, scrambling around looking for visual cues such as placement of our hands, feet, signs of physical tension, speed of movement, posture and facial expressions, looking for a potential threat.
This is also when you determine if you find another personal physically attractive or not.

First impressions tend to work retrospectively, especially on the dating scene. If someone makes a good first impression, such as being relaxed and friendly, then as time goes on the other person will automatically look out for signs to re-enforce this initial judgement and prove it was right.

If on the other hand your come across as a bit nervous, creepy and make fast and sudden movements… then good luck trying to turn that first impression around…

For men this is extra important. Slow, smooth motions and a thoughtful tone of voice will put you in good stead. Keep your feet wide apart pointing towards the person you are talking to and keep your back straight, no slouching. No putting your hands in your pockets or fingers through your belt loops!

If you want to learn more, there are lots of videos on YouTube, and I can recommend the following two books which cover the basics:

• Body Language For Dummies – Elizabeth Kuhnke. ISBN 978-0-470-51291-3
• What Every Body is Saying – Joe Navarro. ISBN 978-0-06-143829-5

3. Looks & Presentation

Our self presentation is important, no doubt about it. You do not need to be perfect, but as I wrote above the first 15 seconds are vital for first impressions.

Many people have problems with their looks, and wish what they see in the mirror was a little bit better here or there. This is not what I mean by attraction or being attractive – when it comes to our skin and bones, what we have got is what we have got, and there is little we can do about it.

Attraction is something that is created and a great deal of it comes from how well we present what we have. Presentation is something that is deeply personal, and with a bit of thought and creativity you can make an impact and make others aware that you take pride in yourself. It also implies we will take pride in our partner too.

This comes down to your clothing, aftershave / perfume, haircut, grooming and general cleanliness. Looking out of my office window now, it’s very obvious who takes pride in themselves and gets signals of interest from others.
It’s also obvious who blends in and won’t make much of an impact. Aim to make an impact, find a style that suits you and your personality.

As much as you can make your appearance work for you, you cannot ride on your looks and over rely on them. They will generate interest, present opportunities and give you foundations to build on, but they are not going to do more than give you a chance to initiate a conversation move to the next level of interaction.

I know plenty of male and female models, impeccably dressed, who have had difficulties getting beyond small talk, and have been have been in lots of short relationships which went nowhere, or have been single for a very long time. This is usually caused by problems with identity which I covered in section 1.

I hope you have found this information useful – I’d be happy to hear any feedback you may have. Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions about this topic, or to find out more about how I help you with dating and general self-improvement.

A common approach in the field of psychology and therapeutic change work is to encourage a client to draw on past references and experiences to help them make changes and achieve future goals.

This can be a useful way of becoming motivated to change and initially take action. Whilst in theory it should work, in the long term it can be counter productive. Here are two examples of how these problems arise, and how they can be avoided.

Example 1

I work with a weight loss client, who is in their late thirties and struggling with extreme obesity. This client wants to lose weight and be at a similar weight and level of fitness as when they were in their early thirties, when they were fit and healthy.

To most people this would seem reasonable and achievable goal. However, consider the outcome again.

By adopting the mindset of wanting to be how they were in their early thirties, then they would essentially be going back to being the person who later went on to put on weight. It’s a subtle, but important point.

Example 2

I work with a client who has post traumatic stress disorder after a vehicle accident. The client has had difficulties getting over the shock of what happened and has been in emotional turmoil since then. The client wants things to go back to normal, and have life as it was before the accident.

Supposing that was in any way possible, if they were to have things like they were before, then they would still be the person who was later  involved in the accident.

In both examples, the new outcome they want will always be before a negative experience. The mind is very smart, and will put two and two together. It knows what happened next to a remarkable degree of accuracy.

So what can be done about this? Let’s look briefly at example 1.

Instead of targeting how their weight was at an earlier date, a cleaner way of working would be to set their target as not only losing weight and controlling their eating when they are 40, but all the way into their 50s instead.

To summarise –  although referring to the past can be useful for motivation purposes, it’s crucial not to have your personal targets set so you are repeating what happened in the past. Future based targets which present you with new choices will be the ones which are most effective and stand the test of time.

That’s all for now – I’ll be back with more next month.

I listened to a BBC Radio 4 program on NLP this morning whilst on a break at my clinic. You can listen to the programme by clicking here – I thought I’d share a few thoughts of what I made of it.

One of the grey areas that struck me from the outset is what exactly they thought NLP is! Many believe it to be a therapy in it’s own right, many find it a process to “model excellence”. Here is my take on it..

My interpretation of NLP is that it’s a tool for modelling people who achieve great success in their fields, and the “template” used to establish it and to present the findings of the co-creators, Dr Richard Bandler & Dr John Grinder, was in the realm of therapy and psychotherapy – so that is how it’s most commonly taught.

Along with CBT I also run a private clinic, counselling worthing residents. I recall during my training that Bandler & Grinder reviewed recordings of counselling sessions by prominent counsellors, hypnotherapists and gestalt therapists to find the structure of how these people worked with their clients to achieve such great results.

Another example of NLP is the work of Paul McKenna. McKenna has modelled the eating habits and behaviours of naturally thin people and written self help books for people wishing to loose weight. From personal experience and his book reviews on Amazon, he is doing very well.

So if we take NLP to be a process of modelling, and the therapeutic applications we know of it as a “product” of this modelling, NLP could be applied to almost anything.

You could model how a successful racing driver achieves great results, and pass the learning’s down to new drivers by  dissecting the driving styles of  say..Lewis Hamilton or Alain Prost and call them the “Hamilton Model” or the “Prost Model”.

Like Dr Bandler and Grinders work, it would take hundreds or even thousands of hours or interviewing the drivers, their engineers, reviewing telemetry, video footage etc to get a complete overview of how the driver does “what they do” in such detail that it can be taught consistently and to a high standard.

I’m informed by a prominent NLP trainer that the fastest growing field of NLP modelling and applications at the moment is found not in the field of medicine, sport, education or even business training. I was shocked to learn that the #1 field for NLP modelling revolves around dating and relationships!

This did make me chuckle – I do wonder if this is what Dr’s Bandler & Grinder originally had in mind?